This topic of my personal depression is pretty hard for me to be public about; I’m not one to talk about my hard times, or the things that challenge me. I do not like complaining especially if I’m not finding a solution to the problem, but I’ve heard time and time again that my story could possibly help someone else. So here goes something.
If you asked someone a characteristic about me they’d probably say, “Naeemah is very optimistic and positive with a straight forward vibe. And I am, I’m full of expanding positive energy, so much it can be contagious. My friends and even strangers in social media land come and ask me questions about manifesting and how to feel better in their lives. I believe that the control of my joy, happiness and state of being rests inside of me. So imagine when this nasty bug of depression hits…. Sometimes I can manage a smile for others and go back into my hole. Other times it’s so debilitating, it comes in so easy, and little by little it sits my ass completely down, which is hard to do.
What does depression looks like for me? To say that depression is just intense sadness that zaps all my energy downplays the impact of it for me. It’s hopelessness, self-distrust, self-hate, numbness, sometimes endless crying and other times not being able to cry at all. Twice it has looked like suicide that I’m grateful didn’t manifest itself. It can come across to others as anger, irritability and moodiness. I hide from my family. My friends. I hide from social media. Hell, I take pills to hide from myself. Xanax becomes my best friend to become detached from my current life state and sleep becomes 70% of my day. Pathetic right? Sure feels like it. One reason I hide is because how do I explain this? The first question from someone concerned is, “what’s wrong”. I don’t have an answer that makes sense. It’s embarrassing because even MY brain says, “what the fuck are you depressed about Naeemah, your life is fine, you’re being a pussy”. I’m fortunate with amazing people and things that surround me, my basic needs are met but, my spirit feels so low and I can’t get out of the black hole I’ve landed in. I’ll explain in part 2 why none of the “good things” matter in combatting depression.
2018 holidays arrived. My emotions began to rise about how I had set my life up, the things people think I loved are the things I hated. Where were the million babies I planned to have? The huge family I’d always dreamed of? Why were my holidays now spent thinking about my family members that had died and being envious of people that had the families I always wanted? So I jumped on the train of depression yet again. I know a lot of people don’t like to take responsibility for choosing things like depression into their lives but I believe on some level we choose or attract every single thing that is in your life, good and bad. Not accepting I’ve attracted everything into my life creates a victim mindset, and I’m not interested in that, but that’s a whole other blog.
This time was a little different; I usually get back to some sense of normalcy before anyone starts to worry. But this time it seemed like I was quickly going lower and darker and I couldn’t fake it or find my way out of it. I started wanting desperately to sleep and feel nothing. My friends started to worry; they couldn’t understand what was going on. My Mom who literally never worries about anything started checking in on me more. And I felt horrible; I couldn’t be the friend, daughter, sister, or even mother I usually pride myself to be. I’m the helper, I don’t get helped! Thanksgiving day I laid on my couch and cried in the dark the entire day. This turned into days, which turned into weeks and the only time I left the house was to clean one of my Airbnbs because a cleaner had called out or wasn’t available.
A part of depression usually involves screaming to myself. It begins as a woe is me type of rant then it began to sound a little like…. “Naeemah, you know the tools to get out of this why aren’t you using them” and “Where the fuck is this shit coming from, there is a reason for everything?” followed by “Get up and do something, meditate at least”. I was tired of this cyclical depression that seemed to get worse and longer each time. I think over the years I’d self medicate with alcohol that I never had a chance to really “fix” the issue. But like I said, this time seemed to be different. It was only after I was tired of crying and sleeping I started to meditate. Yea meditate, something that has saved my life before, literally.
I finally had a meditation where my body felt so light like I wasn’t there. I don’t think I was. But God was….. I had a break in my depressive state and I could breathe for a second without inner pain. I could feel my higher self. I could let go.
It was in this moment I realize I wanted to stop existing and really live again…
Realigning my life with love, using tools like meditation to stay on track, and really understanding why my depression hits. I’ll be sharing more with rising out of it on part 2!
If you think you may need any professional help or thinking about hurting yourself please talk to a friend, family or call these lines for help
National Suicide Prevention Hotline: 1-800-273-8255
National Alliance on Mental Illness: 1-800-950-NAMI (6264)
What did you guys think about my journey in Part 1 of “When the happy girl is depressed” Do you have anything you’re struggling with behind closed doors?