Who knew y’all are still interested in my crazy ass life! Me and depression in the public eye? Whew!
I was extremely nervous about putting it out, I realized it’s been a hidden part of my life even to my closest friends. They just know I take “breaks” from life. I don’t talk about bad shit, and complaining is just not my thing. People that actually real life know me were surprised, they felt like they knew me better after reading it. The next set of responses came from people who felt good that I shared my experiences, they felt better knowing they weren’t alone. I still feel kinda weird about laying that part of my life out there, but I’m sure I’ll soon get over it.
Lets talk about how the hell I’ve gotten over it and how I pray I’ll never stay back there for an extended period of time again. What I learned can be applied to many aspects of life, not just depesssion, it helps to flow much easier and fulfilled through life.
The first method is gonna sound weird.
Accept the shit. That’s right accept that at this moment you’re sad, hurt, or that you’re deep down depressed. But this doesn’t mean to stay there or get swallowed up by it like I thought.
Surrender. Stop trying to constantly run from it. I think we as humans want to immediately get out of a difficult situation that is uncomfortable and by doing this we get pushed even more into it. We focus on how horrible it is and the focus feeds it, thus fueling the horrible feelings, instead of just letting go and surrendering.
While I was trying to figure out how to get out of this “phase” I started reading “The Untethered Soul” and a quote stuck with me, “There is nothing more important to true growth than realizing that you are not the voice of the mind – you are the one who hears it” It’s a weird ass concept to understand but once I got it, it helped me look at everything from another angle. So when I say surrender that doesn’t mean you’re wallowing in the misery. It means you don’t have to absorb everything. Start to become the observer of your life and watch your life from the outside. Another life teacher I like named Mooji says, “feelings are just visitors, let them come and go”. I am able to observe sadness, notice it, but not attach myself to it. Sure enough I started watching the bad moments float away and accepted the great moments with open arms. Meditation was a way to help me do this
I think people think meditation puts you in a state of bliss but that’s not what it is there for, meditation gives me a chance to be in a space of nonresistance. Taking time to be quiet enough to discover answers for myself. I was finally able to go into a space of nothing. Not happy. Not sad. Just being and connecting with Source (which you may call God, Spirit, Jehovah..). It allowed me to receive a break in the anguish I felt. I have no idea why I ever stop because meditation can feel like a drug, it can get you out of feelings that are dragging you in the wrong direction. At one point instead of saying “I need a drink” I would say “I need to meditate”. It calms and centers me. On another level I think I receive “downloads” of information or direction to take insprired action when I meditate, from a higher power. It’s just that deep.
As I began getting out of the dark home I was in I realized I really wanted to figure out exactly where the fuckkkkk depression comes from. Previous times I think partying and being drunk made me “forget” I was depressed. I think I’ve gotten my fair share of temporarily drinking myself out of depression. Time to give myself another way to look at this.
I found a Tony Robbins video about depression that I had probably heard several times in the past but this time because I was being honest with myself it stuck out to me. It helped me understand where anyone’s problems come from in life.
The answer was: Your life’s blueprint.
Everyone has an idea of what their life needs to look life, their blueprint. It never really matters what exactly is happening but only what you believe is SUPPOSED to happen. Isn’t that a mind fuck? Half the stuff we worry about hasn’t even happened!
For example have you ever seen someone that’s in shape and they gain a mere 7lbs and they lose their minds, while another person that is 30 lbs heavier is just fine? Or have you seen someone hype to get a raise at their job for $20/hr and another person at the same job for the same time is miserable and they are making $40/hr. It’s because that isn’t what THEIR blueprint of their life is comprised of in their minds.
I’ll say it again, it doesn’t matter what is actually going on, only what you think should be going on. I think what used to fuck with me was everyone around me was happier about my life than I was. I would hear your life is fine Naeemah and there is no reason to be unhappy. I’d start to shame myself for feeling bad and wonder what the hell is wrong with me. But it just wasn’t my blueprint I’d had for my life all these years.
In order to be content you either need to change your life to fit your blueprint or change your blueprint to fit your life. The further your life is from your blueprint the worse you normally feel. I started thinking what can I actually do to have my blueprint in sync with my life. I actually had to get my mind together because… what the hell do I really want? Meditation again helped me align on how my life should flow.
Of course I’m still growing, learning and understanding this thing called life but the pieces are finally starting to stick together. Out of every situation I find light and love no matter how dark it gets. My friends were a huge part of that light. I am forever thankful for my friends that never stopped checking on me, even if I didn’t answer. The ones that threatened to pop up (thank God it was just threats). The friends that couldn’t understand what was going on or why I wasn’t able to be the same person for them I normally am, but loved me regardless. My sisters that forgave me for missing important events. They just let me come back without judgement or ridicule. Knowing you are loved brings an energy that is indescribable and it feels magical.
Has meditation helped you? Do you think you can disconnect from your feelings? What helps you?
Thanks again for reading! You have no idea how much it means to me… It means everything to me!